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oh, i miss him and it hurts. in hindsight i wish i would have had a death mask made of his pretty pretty face. i miss touching his skin and i miss looking at his eyes look at me. i liked being the lady in his eye. it was such a very nice place to be. i wish i could talk to him. i wish i could send him love letters in heaven. i want my samer to come home to me. i want him back.
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(5 Stairs | Falling down again)
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I lost my husband, Samer on Monday. He passed away at home with me and it was quick and painless. He had open heart surgery last November and his recovery was called a miricle by the doctors. And I believe that it was, as neither he or I were ready for him to go. We had a very good six months together and our love for each other was as stong as ever. I couldn't say "I love you" enough to him in a day and we rarely left each others sides. I feel blessed to have been with him and a part of his life but he's still here with me and helping a lot. He also stole a bottle of root beer from me last night. I love him so much and I miss him but he died in my arms and he wasn't afraid. People have said some beautiful things in his memory but I feel like I can't write much more now.
http://remembersamer.blogspot.com/
http://www.myspace.com/samer_alshaibi
http://www.pbp.net/~habibi/samer.html
Samer H. Alshaibi
October 2, 1977 - May 1, 2006
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(15 Stairs | Falling down again)
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Tuesday, August 17th, 2004
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I've decided I'm going to make my journal friends only from now on.
I'd like to shield what little of my life I decide to share on here from the putrid worms that salivate over the slightest hint of misfortune. Real or imagined. You both know who you are. Nothing is your business.
Leave a comment if you would like to be added.
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(27 Stairs | Falling down again)
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Friday, August 13th, 2004
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yesterday was quite a day.
I woke up with my apartment filled with guns and police. It's strange to see the one you love hancuffed and smiling wanly at you while your bedroom is being searched. They took him from me fully expecting to place him in concrete and iron but he came home thanks to his clear urine.
We went to sleep.
We left (late) to go to the curiosa festival. Interpol was very good. The concertgoers... I don't know. This was my fifth time to this venue and no matter who is playing there are always certain types of people that go. A girl that had a seat in front of me was freaking out during the cure. I think she was on something. She thew her arms and started nuzzling the guy to her right. I figured they knew each other but when I saw him scooting away from her I realized they did not. I kept trying to get out from behind her because she was flailing her arms in such a way that they would hit me. She kept moving in front of me. It was very distracting. During Interpol there was the south suburb hillrod with his beer in one hand and the devil horns in his other hand. He was headbanging and yelling "hell yeah!" I'm glad I didn't run into anyone I know; I'm avoiding an entire county.
After we left we were both very hungry and the signs I followed back to the interstate failed to mention any turns so I ended up in an area I used to go a lot. I went to find Harry's new town in hopes they were open. Of course they weren't but that put me right down the street from Ron's house. I didn't know if he still lived there so I went to go see. I wound up one block west of his block and was snooping in someone's backyard. I thought they remodeled the outside. Then I realized I was in the wrong place and went to the correct address. He was still living there and home so I went inside and introduced the magician to my husband. They both seemed to like each other well. I stayed for a few hours and caught up. It's been almost two years since we've talked. I'm sure we'll talk again. We left and headed for a poor dining experiance at the yellow ribbon.
Interstate 94 east of I-57 sucks.
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(4 Stairs | Falling down again)
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Saturday, August 7th, 2004
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We are trying to find a home for Lillian.
he's a pretty nice guy. his hobbies include hiding under the couch and getting pet. He especially likes attention from people he dosen't know. He is very cute.
Lillian is ready for a change. He comes complete with litterbox and carrying case.
He is neutered so that whole spraying thing isn't a problem.
His claws are intact.
He recently had a checkup and is very healthy.
If you or someone you know wants this cat reply to this post or email me at right_ventricle@yahoo.com
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(10 Stairs | Falling down again)
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I got the tickets in the mail yesterday for the curiosa festival. yay.
I took a long bath with my husband and drank champange. My fingers got pruney. We were mostly trying to relax our muscles after working out. I'm very sore right now. but my thighs are very hard. I learned how to play horse and I won. I have beginner's luck. I finished "of love and other demons" by gabriel garcia marquez. I liked it much.
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(2 Stairs | Falling down again)
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Wednesday, August 4th, 2004
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i did a lot of things today:
I went to breakfast.
I went to the bank.
I got my cell phone thing figured out with cingular.
I exchanged my broken antique ring for another ring and bought a locket.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) fascistprincess and I each bought a book. Mine is by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I like him. The bookstore we were in was playing the kind of music that scores a movie where the main character is a total jackass. I imagined a middle-aged man with bad hair getting into all kinds of embarrassing situations. Then the music got to me and I felt like I was the jackass main character. I noticed an old man in bad pants checking me out. I tried to leaf through a magazine but it only made me feel self-conscious. I wanted to approach the barista and make small talk about the bad music and how it's making me uncomfortable and the scenario I had about the jackass. Then I realized if I did that I would be playing out the jackass role. It was woeful. I wanted to leave.
I read to Samer from my new book in a public garden.
I locked my keys in the car. This was the first time I've done that. And I'm always so paranoid about it. A kind stranger appeared out of nowhere and opened my door with a key he had. We talked for a while until 6pm when the parking restriction would be over and we could leave our cars.
Ate a pineapple upside-down cake.
Bought Samer a new vest and sweater.
Went to the park and played basketball with some kids. I just learned how to play basketball today.
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(2 Stairs | Falling down again)
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Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
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Today I went to the gym and did things like lift weights and feel "the burn." I haven't been there in a while. As a special treat, I was going to go swimming with fascistprincess but ended up swimming with myself and many screaming children. Someone kicked me in the head and my butt was touched several times. The water was very very cold. I enjoyed it. Samer did not.
I feel like eating something healthy. I'll start cooking and Samer will take over because I'm doing it wrong. That way I get to pick what we eat and he'll make it.
My father in law is supposedly upset because no one sent him wedding pictures. I've tried several times to email him some but they keep getting returned to me saying he has no space in his inbox. He will get them, though.
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(Falling down again)
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I am delighted! Hotel 71 called me and said that my shoes were found. Within 15 minutes I was slithering down the stairs and on my way to fetch them. The people at the front desk are still assholes but the head of housekeeping is very nice. I feel bad because I got the call that my shoes were there at 9pm and the woman left at 10pm. Poor Samer had to miss "Growing up Gotti" so he could accompany me to the car. He's been so looking forward to this show and I couldn't figure out how to make the vcr record the show. I'm sure they'll re-run it.
I spent two hours yesterday grocery shopping with Becky and Samer. My chronic headaches tried to spoil the fun, though.
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(Falling down again)
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i am feeling sick. I went to eat with Sama, Marvin, and Samer at wishbone. my stomach said "please stop! no more food!" but my eyeballs and tastebuds said "we very much like this wishbone food. we think we'll have some more!" it was quite painful.
the wedding went well enough. evilgrandma gave me a smelly afghan in the biggest box she could find. i could tell she was unhappy that no one was fawning at her feet. she was practically ignored the whole time. as she should be. it was hard getting people to dance. my family mostly wanted to hang out in the garage and drink and do whatever it was they were doing in there. i like leslie, she's very good with flowers.
the shower also went very well. poor eileen was drug addled but well-meaning. i don't think she realizes how bad she's gotten. she is beyond the point where my help and concern does anything. poor eileen. some assholes seemed to think it was funny and exciting that a good friend of mine is disintegrating before my very eyes. maybe compassion is beyond them? too much self-concern is blinding, i think. i sacrifice for my friends sometimes if I think it's neccesary to make them better. it's time for me to sacrifice assholes from myself to make my life happier. drama, unneccesary and unrewarding at that.
I lost a new pair of shoes. so cute for summer. now they're gone.
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(4 Stairs | Falling down again)
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horrible, here I am again making cd's. the music is going to bomb, I know it.
I had my henna done today. for some reason she kept putting lemon juice all over it. I started at 7p and the pieces that are flaking off are pale pale pale brown. I started putting olive oil on it to try and hydrate the henna again. it's so pretty, i don't want it to go away.
I went to get my shoes today. I got a very nice pair and since niche/city soles is having a crazy sale I got another pair. and another. ok, three pairs of shoes at once is not a bad thing. and I had a gift certificate, dang it. I told them about the celeste magazine thing since some stuff I bought there is getting credits.
oh blah.
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(3 Stairs | Falling down again)
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Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
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i am making cd's for the wedding...it's hard to find songs that will be acceptable to as many people as possible. i'm sure the real grown-ups will not enjoy peaches too much. i don't know what i'm doing.
i feel like i can't have fun anymore, i'm too busy.
3 days and I'll be finished.
Samer bought some very nice shoes today. I bought my flower girl some shoes today. I have no shoes, but now I have a french tip manicure. I wish the apartment was in order. I wish I had something nice to talk about. oh, I got a bikini wax for the first time the other day and now the whole area is bruised. oh, i got my braces off. i have teeth again. they feel slimy... I'm used to abrasive metal and hooks against tender flesh instead of enamel and saliva. It's weird.
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(7 Stairs | Falling down again)
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Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
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I am going to kidnap my brother and my sister. After the wedding. My younger brother told me that my father wants my husband and I, and my older brother and his wife to move back in their house. My sister told me that my father wants us to move back so we can help him pay off his mortgage. It's nice to know we're looked at as sources of income and not as his children. My parents siphon money from my brother's bank account. They won't let my sister get a job and make her work for them and don't pay her, yet are charging her $200 a month in rent. My mother is set on sending everyone into the military.
First we will look for a place for my sister and her boyfriend in my neighborhood. They can stay with me for a while if they have to. We will help them get off their feet and find them jobs. My brother is still 16...maybe I can become legal guardian?
I can look past all the shit they did to me...I'm emotionally unstable because of my father abusing me...but it's harder to watch them do these things to my siblings.
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(Falling down again)
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WebMd is at the same time my best friend and my worst enemy. Everything below my waist is in a state of trauma. I have to wait until Wednesday for a doctor's appointment. I want to feel better so I can have a nice wedding. I also want a dog. I should ask when I go to the doctor if they have any mental health physicians at their clinic. I haven't been on psychological drugs in years. My imbalance may be teetering in a new direction. I find myself getting upset easily and it's hard to control my anger. I'm not mad but my body tells me I am. I can feel my tongue and my mouth spasm and my heart rate increases and I feel as though I'm being suffocated. I am reminding myself of my father. He's taking medication but they don't work that well for him. I'm surprised he's taking anything; he's very proud. So am I. I would like for my cats to stop ripping my plants apart. Certain people I don't like being around. Whenever I look at them I remember things said and to whom they were said and on which days they were said. I'm not as forgiving as my husband. My blame is concentrated.
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(5 Stairs | Falling down again)
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Thursday, June 24th, 2004
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Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004
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Richard Kern emailed me saying he's sending some pictures to a "nice mexican magazine as a fashion story." I got one of the sweaters at a boutique I've been to a couple times and the boots/leg warmers are from my favorite shoe store. Maybe if they find out I'll get a discount (yeah right)
the pictures
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(7 Stairs | Falling down again)
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samer and i spent a nice day downtown yesterday. He had a physical and afterwards we walked to columbia so i could talk to my finance manager. He's such an asshole over the phone ane he's always making mistakes. They sucked $800 out of my bank account more than they should have. I was happy to know that his office is shitty. The walls were dirty, there was the one large photograph which I know is property of the school, and his personal touch...a cheap glass bowl with five perfectly placed apples with the stickers still on atop an otherwise empty and cheap table. He was much more cordial in person.
Afterwards we split off to go looking around the antiques district for new rings to give each other at our wedding. His is very pretty...three types of gold. We met up at the corner bakery for lunch (not bad but not good either) and did a little more browsing before we went home.
I'm trying to organize a shoot with julia right now. she's going to die.
P.S. I have to build my new website. Make sure I do it, please.
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(5 Stairs | Falling down again)
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